|
General Jokes
A
guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all
the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen!
Thirteen!
Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone
inside pokes him in the eye. Then
everyone inside the
asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen!
Fourteen!"
An 80 year
old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your
age you're in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yes.
It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied,
"If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom
light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the
bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep,"
the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns
the light on for me." Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when
the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what
her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said.
"Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental
condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom,
the Lord turns the light on for him." "Aha!" she exclaimed.
"He's the one who's been pissing in the refrigerator!"
A
door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house in his new
territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and
before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties
all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do
wonders cleaning up that manure, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to
him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" the Salesman
says, "why do you ask?" She says "We just moved in
and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
A fellow had
just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was
stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered
envelopes.
"Open one of these each time you run up against a really bad problem,"
he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a
downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he
remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet
of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street
responded positively. Sales began to pick up, and the problem was soon behind
him. About a year later, the company again experienced a slight dip in sales,
combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous
experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize."
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive
profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The
CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
A guy was
driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to
the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to
award you a Rs.50000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations.What do you think you're
going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers'
license."
There was once a young man
who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to
define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
A man walked into a bar,
sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued
daily for several weeks.
Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three
shots of whiskey?"
The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one
shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three
shots in their honor."
The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the
man every time he visited the bar.
Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two
shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two
when had had always been ordering
three.
The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
|
