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Jokes

In USA drivers on the highways -well freeways are dreaded with the patrols checking the speed limits. Here is a joke

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.

But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a hand painted sign that said RADAR TRAP AHEAD. A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the
radar trap with a sign reading TIPS and a bucket at his feet, full of change. 

THE IRISH WAY TO SHOP

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to
leave. "Excuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?" "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives." 

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.  The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by
painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. 

A few thoughts on marriage

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
-- Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something
is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.
-- Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely
equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
-- Bill Cosby

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut
afterwards.
--Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

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